


I Miss My Breath (There's No More Left)

by LettersToShakespear



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drowning, I can't tag everything because I don't want to spoil the ending, Ocean, Potentially horror depending on what your definition is?, Siren/Merman Kili, So proceed at your own risk, What's lurking in the depths?, dark and twisty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-14
Updated: 2016-03-14
Packaged: 2018-05-26 18:10:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6250156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LettersToShakespear/pseuds/LettersToShakespear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fili's eyes dance over the moonlit waves, searching for a familiar face. </p>
<p>A face that embodies the call of the ocean, deep, haunting, and beautiful. </p>
<p>There will be no going home. </p>
<p>Not until he speaks to his love one final time. </p>
<p>(Featuring Siren!Kili and Human!Fili)</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Miss My Breath (There's No More Left)

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from the song "Don't Fall Asleep At The Helm" by Sleeping With Sirens
> 
> This is also a fill for lazysaturdayonthebeach, with the prompt being "moonlight glinted off the dark crests of the waves...."
> 
> This is instantly where my brain went. Ever so dark and ever so lovely. 
> 
> Anyways, thanks for checking this out, comments and kudos are always appreciated!

* * *

Moonlight glints off waves that crash against the rocky beach, the air damp from salty ocean spray. Fili can taste it on his tongue, coating the back of his throat with every breath that he takes. It’s cold this time of night, clothes damp with moisture and shivers wracking down his spine. Still, he stands waiting, eyes searching the dark waves for brown hair and dark green scales. He sees nothing.

 

He stands and he waits, unsure if _he_ will even show up, not after yesterday’s sullen goodbye and snapping teeth. It’s not until his toes and fingers have gone numb that he hears the familiar high wail that means Kili is nearby. A shiver runs down his spine that has nothing to do with the chill air, eyes catching the tip of a fin before it slips down into the ocean once more.

 

“Kili, please come out!” His voice is lost to the crash of waves and the building wind, but he knows that Kili can hear him. Still he doesn’t make himself known.

 

Waiting for a few more minutes, eyes searching the waves once more, Fili toes his shoes off with a defeated sigh. The rocks are worn smooth from years of crashing waves, the soles of his feet thankful for the worn surface. Reaching the edge of the water, Fili gives one last half hearted look before he steps into the water, the chilled waves instantly sapping the warmth from his body.

 

“I want to talk to you Kili! Come out!”

 

He’s a little worried, then, that maybe it isn’t Kili he’s talking to, but one of the others from his tribe. They were none too fond of Fili and not a single one of them would hesitate to drown him in the cold dark waves. Despite the nagging fear, he steps further into the ocean until the water is up to his knees, water starting to spread it’s way up the fabric of his shorts. Still he moves out further.

 

A chittering noise comes from his left, but when he goes to move towards the sound he feels harsh spines scratching against his legs. Another pulse of fear slips through him, knowing that Kili’s people like to play with humans before they drown them. And he can’t be sure that this is Kili, because the brunet was certainly angry enough with Fili to make him think that it was someone else.

 

Even if he can’t be sure, he refuses to leave the water, knowing that if it is Kili he’ll eventually come out. And if it wasn’t… well if it wasn’t, then it had certainly been one hell of a life he’d had.

 

“K-Kili please c-come out?”

 

Dark angry eyes peer up at him from the water, tangles of hair fanned out around him. But before he can get a single word out, Kili sinks back down into the waves, splashing away as water soaks Fili completely through. Though he feels like he’s going to turn into an ice cube, he can at least let go of the yawning fear that had building up in his chest. Of course, a healthy dose of fear was always needed around Kili, but that was different than what had been spreading inside of himself not a minute before.

 

Blue eyes dance around the waves and rocks, searching for Kili by the light of the moon. For a few moments he finds his fins moving in agitated circles above the water, butt they quickly slip away once again. He waits patiently, and for that he finally spies Kili partially laid out upon a smooth rock, sharp nailed and slightly webbed fingers holding almost lazily onto it.

 

“What do you want, Fili?”

 

Kili’s voice isn’t smooth and haunting in the way that many would imagine his race to have. It’s a little rough, salt sore and deep like the darkest parts of the ocean. His voice is haunting in a completely different way, a resounding power to his words that becrys his otherness. His mastery of human language serves as a reminder to just how old he is.

 

“I want to talk to you.”

 

“There’s nothing left to be said. You made your decision.”

 

“That’s not fair, Kili!”

 

He makes his way closer to Kili, almost tripping into the water as his foot catches over a submerged rock. Fili knows that it’s cut from the sharp ache that starts to pulse through it, salt water and sand pressing against the cuts. He knows it in the way that Kili’s eyes narrow, sharp teeth clicking together.

 

“You want to live your life surrounded by towering buildings and smog filled skies. You want college and a job, a life. Mine is here, under jeweled skies and in the dark places of the ocean, in wrecks hidden in the waves, on ocean floors that have yet to be explored. I belong to the deep. “

 

He doesn’t know how to argue that, because he does want to go to school, he does want a job. Fili wants to experience life and all that it has to offer, and he’s not going to get that here in this little beach town, spending half his days down on the ocean front with Kili. And how can he explain that part of him does yearn to stay here? That he wants to live by the ocean and bask in the waves, to become so close to the ocean that he will smell eternally of salt and brine, body layered in its substances.

 

“I _have_ to leave Kili, I can’t just keep coming down here doing nothing. I can’t just spend my days in the ocean with you, wanting something that I can’t have.”

 

Kili snarls at the words, teeth bared and waves crashing harder against the rocks. The moonlight reflects off of the dark hollows of his eyes, dark green scales looking almost black in the moonlight. It’s times like these that he remembers just how dangerous Kili is, just how easily he could drown him.

 

“But you _can_ have, I _told_ you I can change you. You just have to come with me. If you do everything that I say and follow all of the rules, if you let me, I can help you to be reborn. You can stay with me forever, the ocean your new air.”

 

There’s something inviting about those harsh rough words, inviting about the idea of swallowing so much water that the world blacks out, salt taking over the flow of his lungs. And yet it’s terrifying. Because as much as he loves Kili, as much as he wants to be with him, he doesn’t know if it’s real or not. Kili has told him all of the wicked stories that his kind are willing to pull just to capture a human. They were a delicacy, and ensnaring them in the waves with pretty promises was the tamest example of what they would do for human flesh.

 

Waves crash hard and rough, and Fili wants to desperately for it to be real. How many chances had Kili had to pull him under the sea? How many times had they swam in the ocean together, how many opportunities had he given Kili to end his life? Countless, innumerable chances, yet part of him still fears that the only type of being reborn that Kili offers is one to an afterlife or nothingness.

 

“I need time to think.”

 

“You’ve already had time to think. You had time when I mentioned it weeks ago. You had time before you told me you were leaving, that you wouldn’t be coming back. It was only last night, don’t you remember?” Kili hisses the words, drawing them out harsh and long, inhuman and vicious. Sharp nailed hands slowly release the rock as the brunet slips through the waves towards him. A spike of fear hammers through Fili’s chest, head screaming that this is a predator before him, and he needs to run. But he can’t back away, not when big dark eyes are trapping his gaze.

 

“You decide now. Either you belong to the land or to the ocean. I’ll let you decide this one last time, because I love you, because you are the other half of me. But if your fickle little human heart chooses the land and you forsake me, if you ever try to come back here, I will make you choke on the waves of the ocean until your eyes bleed salt, and only after you have begged will I put you out of your misery and eat your heart.”

 

There is a binding promise in those words, an oath taken in salt and sea underneath the heavy moonlight. There is no doubt that Kili means every word that he says. Stomach roils with the movement of the ocean, and he’s not sure if his shivers are from the numbing cold of the water or the terror that is flooding through his system. Part of him refuses to believe the wicked words.

 

“Y-you don’t-“

 

“Mean it? You forget what I am, Fili. My teeth have split through bone to suck out marrow, my hands have cracked open rib cages for the pleasure of a still beating heart. I told you that mating me was no simple thing. I told you that a bond would be made between us, and now you wish to leave me behind, half of a whole with no one to love because you want your human life. I have given you a chance already to betray me and leave, and now, I will give you a second. There will not be a third.”

 

Kili slips through the waves as he speaks, the rough edges of his scales brushing against Fili’s legs. Even through the bitter numbness he can feel them grazing his skin, more than likely leaving cuts or welts. His eyes are dark voids that echo promises of agony and blood, actions fueled by the sorrow of being abandoned by a mate.

 

A part of him whispers that he should have listened to the tales of his childhood, the stories of sirens stealing little children away, or the ones where the pretty person falls in love with the mesmerizing sea creature, only to be drowned and eaten. How had it all come to this?

 

“Kili I love you but I don’t- I’m terrified.”

 

“Because you don’t trust me,” Kili snarls.

 

“It’s more complicated than trust, Kili! It’s- you’re not even supposed to be real, sometimes I’m not even sure if I’ve made this all up in my head! I _want_ to trust you I just don’t know if I can!”

 

Fili doesn’t remember crashing into the water. He just knows that one-second the air is punched out of his chest, and the next he is automatically taking in a breath, seawater flooding his lungs in a salty inhale. Blue eyes cant see a damn thing under the water, and his body tries to expel the liquid in his lungs by coughing, but it only makes it worse. Strong hands hold him down in the water, the terror arching through him visceral and throbbing.

 

But the hands let go and not a moment later he is bursting through the waves to air, eyes watering and chest burning with every cough and splutter of water pouring out. Kili circles in furious loops, teeth clicking as he expels sounds of rage, deep and ragged.

 

“I could have killed you any time I wished in the past year! I could have drowned you and eaten you the moment I first laid eyes upon you! I mated with you, I bonded with you, I _saved_ you, and you dare question your trust in me? You are alive because I allow it to be so, because I stop the others from pulling you under, you ungrateful, selfish little human!”

 

There are so many things circling through him, and he’s terrified, because this is the real Kili, this was the monster behind the stories an the tales, the creature that ate little children and charmed adults into the waves of the ocean. Never had he seen this carefully hidden away part of Kili before, never this complete rage and absolute cruelty.

 

Everything is a frozen numb mess, yet still he loves. It’s wrong and right and disturbing because he shouldn’t, but he does. He does and it feels right even when it is very wrong.

 

Wind howls, waves crash, and the tide threatens to tear him away from the safety of land. The darkness presses inwards, and his throat burns with the ache of salt.

 

“How d-do we do it?”

 

Kili pauses in his angry motions, slow guttural chatter building it’s way past bared teeth. After a few moments of this, Kili begins to move in a silky slow motion in front of him, eyes still speaking volumes on just how angry he is.

 

“You go back and forth like a child deciding which toy they would like to play with. Once your decision is made, there is no going back.”

 

“I know. I’m just- t-tell me what w-we would have t-to do.”

 

Fili is so cold that he can no longer feel it, limbs almost tingling with warmth, blood frozen sluggish, and this must by hypothermia. He can practically feel his lips glowing blue in the moonlight.

 

“We take whatever we want that dares to enter the ocean, whether it be with pretty lies or by force. If you want to be reborn, you must come willingly. You have to ask me to drown you. If your want is true and strong, if you are deemed worthy to breathe in the salt of the ocean, the water your new oxygen, you will awaken as something new.”

 

“So even… e-even if I go through with t-this, it might not w-work?”

 

Kili smiles wicked and sharp, tail flicking lazily in the water.

 

“Mother ocean is fickle. She cradles ships in her embrace one day, only to smash them into broken bits the next. She can be the most tender of nurturers providing food and life, or a howling fury that drains the life out of any creature. The tides are the beat of her heart, and the crashing waves and violent storms are the actions of her fury. Our magic comes from her, and only she can decide who is worthy.”

 

“If… if it didn’t work… If I asked, and it failed anyways… would you still eat me and leave me out here to rot?”

 

“If you asked me to, and it failed despite your attempts, I would not eat you. It would mean that you were willing to try for us, for me, and my love for you would not allow me to do such a thing after a sacrifice like that. If you die, I will give you back to the land.”

 

Anger and rage have melted from Kili’s face, eyes soft and hopeful, familiar and comforting in a way that they had not been only moments before. He feels heavy, thoughts sluggish and messy in the most abnormal of ways, and he knows-he knows that everything is wrong right now, but Kili looks right and perfect.

 

“Kili I- I feel all wrong. “

 

“You’re dying. Your body can’t handle the cold.”

 

It’s matter of fact, simple, and before he knows it Kili is running a gentle hand along his face, cupping his cheek. It’s hypnotizing, how warm his skin is against Fili’s. He thinks he can see the worry in Kili’s eyes, but he’s not sure, not when everything is spinning.

 

“You have to take your clothes off.”

 

“W-what?”

 

“If you want to try. You have to take your clothes off if the Ocean is to easily change you.”

 

He finds himself doing what Kili says, but his hands feel blocky and useless, refusing to bend and move in the way that they should. Kili gently brushes his hands away, swishing closer to help untangle his clothing off of his body. _How did I get this deep in the water?_ Blearily slips through his mind, waves lapping at his neck.

 

Soon they are gone, their presence not missed a bit. He feels lighter, like this. Naked and almost warm in the ocean, Kili’s arms moving to circle around his shoulders. His own come up to clumsily wrap around Kili, face pressed into tangled brown hair. He practically whimpers at the feel of salty lips pressed against his own, the flavor of the ocean invading every crevice of his mouth. He pulls away, bleary and lost and too hot and too frozen, thoughts locked up and broken.

 

“P-please drown me? I want you to drown me.”

 

He feels the words in the stuttering throb of his chest, in the embrace of his body in waves and the throbbing ache burning down his throat. There’s nothing but the waves and the tide, the wicked salt and Kili, Kili, Kili. Always and forever Kili.

 

The arms that held him so tender turn harsh and unforgiving, eyes meeting Kili’s in a short glance, but everything blurs from the salt in his eyes. He wants and he doesn’t and- there’s not energy to fight; everything is numb and black, powerful arms holding him down in the water. It chokes down his lungs burning, throbbing, tearing- black spots, black spots across his eyes and his body feels so uncomfortabley full- full-

 

Black.

.

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.

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.

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.

.

.

.

.

 

There is a creature in the water cradling a head with long blond hair, with pretty blue eyes that are open wide but see nothing. All is silent but the crash of waves and the howl of wind, and those brown eyes look and admire the pretty little thing in his arms, all broken and waterlogged. He’s such a pretty thing.

 

But there’s a stirring in the body, and the waves pick up and crash and the wind howls and screams, and the blue eyes see and the monster smiles and laughs blinding and bright, ever so pleased.

 

Because the blond man is twisting shape and changing, body cracking and water expelling, deep raw wound of gills almost slicing open on the flesh of his neck.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

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.

.

 

Fili sees the world bright and sharp, hears the howl of the wind and knows that it is the Ocean speaking. He feels the flickering power in his tail, in the swish of his fins and the curl of muscle, and _Kili_. Fili sees Kili as never before, as strong and wicked and beautiful and deadly and _his._

 

There’s no going back, everything is different but the same and the deep dark love ripples through his chest, beastly and beautiful in all that it is.

 

Tales graze as they swim and circle around one another, fins tangling and hands grazing beneath the crashing waves of the ocean. He is salt and sea, he is the bond that ripples through him, magical and binding between himself and Kili. Dark eyes meet his own, lips pulled back in a smile, and Kili flickers away, Fili following quickly after.

 

They tangle, chase and love, and the deep dark places of the ocean call, and Fili and Kili go willingly into its embrace.

* * *

Comments and kudos always appreciated, and thanks for the read! :) Come check me out on tumblr at letterstoshakespear if you so wish :) 

 

 


End file.
